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You have a spot.

6/1/2016

35 Comments

 
Four little words - "You have a spot." Four little words that can change your life forever. Not unlike Dec. 2014 when I heard, "You have a growth." Well, here we go again. I thought about not sharing this, because I didn't want to worry you all. But I called my friend with the spot report and indicated I was thinking about not sharing. She asked what she should tell people, because a lot of people knew I was in Houston. Upon reflection, I realized I couldn't NOT share with you all. You've been faithful companions on the journey, I've always given you the unvarnished truth, and I wasn't going to change that now. So my friends, here we go...

Last week, I reported for duty to MD Anderson for a 6 month check up. I had one in November 2015, just days after my last chemo. At a check, I have a CT scan, some blood work, and a doctor appointment or two. The CT lets them look for any suspicious growths and the bloodwork watches all the numbers for signs that the liver might be in trouble or that a tumour might be growing somewhere. They monitor my CEA levels, which means "Carcinoembryonic Antigen" which may be a sign of cancer growing. Even when I had my primary tumor, this number was low and remains low to this day.
Picture
Getting the "all clear" in Nov. 2015, just days after my last chemo treatment.
Flash forward to May 2016 and it's time for another 6 month check. We've been so busy with cow work this entire month, I have to admit I was looking forward to a getaway for 3 days. I arrived on 5/26 with Mom in tow. We opened with blood tests and a CT scan at 7:30 pm Tuesday. When I finally got out at about 11pm, there was Mom, all by herself in the big, empty waiting area. Whoo, hoo! We won the prize for the last to leave! I know that sounds awful that we were there that late, but really it wasn't. When I was first there in Dec 2014, they squeezed me in for some additional tests they wanted to do, and I'm sure I bumped someone way back from their scheduled appt. It happens, so we're all pretty patient.

The next day (Wednesday), I had an appointment with my medical oncologist at the leisurely hour of 11 am. I did NOT set an alarm for the first time in a long while and slept in until 8. Ahhhhh. I then went for a sticky morning run, which is de riguer for all my trips to Houston. It makes me feel in control and like I'm flipping the bird to cancer. I always make sure I run by the main clinic building with my patient arm band too. Take that, cancer. Mom & I met with the doc for an unremarkable appt, but radiology was still behind, so my scans had not been read yet. That's OK, I told the doc. I still had another appt the next day with my surgeon, Dr. Rodriguez-Bigas. He scheduled me for 10:30 am, which meant I still had time for another run before. This time around Rice University, which was very nice. Humid, yes, but nice just the same. As an aside, I sweat if I lift a finger. If I run in Houston humidity, I look like I just climbed out of the pool, which makes people think I've been working really hard. It's kind of fun. Dr. RB popped in before my appt to say hello, we talked about Italy, and he told me about a couple of must see places in Rome. Then he popped out. Then he popped back in with a written list with the locations. Then he popped back out. Finally, he popped back in for the actual appointment. We talked a bit about my recovery, and how I was doing with the new gut system (pretty well!). Then he very casually mentioned that radiology STILL hadn't read my scans, but he took a look himself. Then he said the 4 words,

"You have a spot."

Oh, wow. I don't think I really had much of an immediate reaction at all. My mind first went to what it could be. Metastasis of course, but it could also be a small spot of infection or irritation. If you have some irritant in your lung, your body would wall it off after a bit and then it might disappear as the body reabsorbed it, or it might leave a little scar. So that would show up on a CT. OK, no panic yet. Doc then pulled up the CT scans and we scrolled up and down through my body, which is very cool. I could look for hours. He must have known that because it was an effective distraction technique. He scrolled to the spot, in the upper lobe of the right lung. He then pulled up Novembers scans and scrolled to the same place. Sure enough, I could see it plain as day and there was sure nothing there 6 months prior. He told me he could predict exactly what the radiologists would say when the finally read it, which was  "monitor for changes." He said they'd bring me back in 3 months and we'd take another look. I did have the presence of mind to ask how quickly these things grow. Very slowly, he said. Of course, it wasn't until I left that the brain said, "Wait a minute. There was nothing there at all 6 months ago, and now there's something. So, what exactly is very slowly?" I don't really remember much about the rest of it, other than Mom looked a little taken aback. You may or may not know, but my Dad died April 14 of lung cancer. Yeah, she was a bit taken aback.

We flew home that evening, amazingly enough. I say amazingly enough because that was a day of tornadoes from TX to KS, including one that went right by our ranch and did some damage in Wamego and another that was spotted near the airport by a pilot landing a plane. But we made it in (it was a bit bumpy) then drove home in pouring rain the entire way from KC. I got into bed about 2:30 am. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. We were up at 6am the next morning for a big, timed AI project (that's a cow artificial insemination project for my non-cow friends). I don't remember much about it. Gee, I can't imaging why.

That weekend, I managed to forget all about it for the most part, probably because we were so busy. We had cow work again on Saturday, fencing and cows on Sunday, including a heifer rescue from a deep creek in the dark. We finished that at 10:30.
Picture
About an hour and a half in the creek with 30' banks rescuing Anna's show heifer. A creek with lots of poison ivy.
PictureScarlett had it right, I think.
Monday is a blur. We did more work, but I don't remember what. Tuesday was our final timed AI project. We've synchronized estrus and bred over 500 cows this month. Is it any wonder I can't remember what we've done and when??? However, right in the middle of the Tuesday project, my phone rang with a Houston area code, so I of course answered it. It was my medical oncologist and I had to tell him to hold on a minute, I was right in the middle of a bunch of cows. Boy they make a racket! He said he'd never had a patient tell him that! Well, when I got far enough away from the cows bellowing at their calves right across the fence, he told me that radiology had finally read the scans and there was indeed a suspicious area, about 3.5 mm in diameter. He then explained that it's too small to do a needle guided biopsy, hence the wait until August for additional scans. At that time, if it's 6 mm or less, then we're most likely going to a thoracic surgeon for removal and pathology. If it's bigger, we'll biopsy. If it's gone, we'll party. He didn't say that last part. Although he looks like an aged-out frat boy, so maybe he would party with me.

When I got home later that afternoon, the first thing I did was log on to MyMDAnderson.org and pull up the radiology report. And I think that's when it finally hit home. 

Findings:
Chest: Interval 3.5 mm probable metastasis right upper lobe...


"Probable metastasis" hit me like a ton of bricks. Probable. My brain cued right in on "probable." Not "maybe." Not "a chance of." They said "probable." They think it's most likely metastasis. I thought I'd cry, but I didn't. I'm so... hmmm, not shocked. That's not the right word. I'm so I-don't-know-what that I'm not able to even find the right reaction. Numb isn't it either, but it's closer so we'll go with numb. My brain is still functioning, but my emotions are on vacation apparently. The emotions are like Scarlett O'Hara apparently.
 
Anyway, back to "probable metastisis." My original diagnosis was rectal cancer, and its favorite travel destinations are the liver and the lungs, and here we are with a growth in the lungs. So I did the most reasonable thing I could think of under the circumstances - I took a nap. I was so tired, physically and emotionally. I slept hard too. It was great. What I would give to be a toddler and have scheduled nap times again. And snacks. I like snacks.


I like to think I know you all, even if that sounds a bit presumptuous. I imagine the first reaction is, "Oh, Barb. It won't be cancer. You'll go down to Houston in August and it'll be gone. I just know it." Well, I know that's a possibility too. But I'm a planner, so I'll plan for that worst so I can be pleasantly surprised if it turns out to be the best. I also think a lot of you are shocked right now. I know from your comments you all think I'm strong and that if anyone could whip this thing, it'd be me. To find out maybe not might shake you a bit. When my Dad died last month, the thing that got me the most was watching the strongest man I'd ever known brought to his knees. It may sound self-centered, but when someone you think of as strong is taken down, it makes you feel all the more vulnerable. I hope all of the preceding reads right. I thought about deleting, but I'm leaving it for now. It may disappear yet, it may not. I'm not wordsmithing at my best right now, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

And that's enough of the serious crap. We're going on with life. I feel just great, seriously. I have completely forgotten I'm a cancer patient. In fact, I've been trying to get back to running regularly. I think a spot on the lung may be just what I need to really get this running thing cranked up again. What better way to take care of myself now than to make sure I have all the lung capacity I can muster? Plus, it feels deliciously defiant.

Thanks for being here, my friends and family. I will need you more than ever. Next real update is the end of August. I report to MD Anderson Tuesday, August 30 for the next round. Until then, there's naught to be done but wait. Live, love, run, and wait. God Bless.

35 Comments
Becky Newell
6/1/2016 11:33:46 pm

Barb, I'm praying for strength and good health for you. Maybe it's a funky spot of pneumonia given the wetter-than-usual conditions you've been living in. ;)

Reply
Georgenia Bowling
6/1/2016 11:49:06 pm

Your positive attitude amazes me! You are the strongest woman I know and I love your hard determination and giving life your all! Prayers and peace for you as you wait for the next exam! Live Life to the fullest!

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Mark Gardiner
6/2/2016 05:32:17 am

Barb,
I am sorry to hear about your dad. He was a very good man. Also, I am sorry to hear of the new spot. I don't have any awe inspiring words other than as our mutual favorite Coach would say "Keep sawing wood". I know you will be you, I know you will live life, and I know you will beat this new challenge. I want you to know we are praying for you and thinking of you. A verse that has helped me during challenging times is Romans 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience".

Reply
Barb
8/4/2016 12:11:39 am

Thanks Mark. Your words mean a great deal to me.

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Kristy Haden
6/2/2016 07:34:20 am

Blessing to you and the strength you have to continue to fight what ever this may be. What an amazing attitude to have. Prayers that everything is fine and for your continued health.

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Beth Gaines
6/2/2016 07:47:32 am

My friend... hugs, prayers and some good karma headed your way. There are no words to fix it, I know... but I'm sending them anyway.

B

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Carla Stephenson
6/2/2016 07:57:58 am

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Barb.. I know you will keep fighting the good fight and may God Bless you with good news in August..

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Jodi
6/2/2016 08:10:12 am

Praying. Praying. Praying. <3

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Mary Jackson
6/2/2016 08:21:24 am

Prayers for Strength, Peace and swift, spontaneous Obliteration of TLB's littler and stupider spot of confused cells... While the knowing and waiting sucks-This is why you go back. First step to fighting ANY foe is identification...Prayers for courage, patience and pleasant distractions this summer!

Reply
Scarlett
6/2/2016 08:29:14 am

Prayers for peace during the waiting, strength to handle what comes and, most of all, God's healing touch. Love to you and yours.

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Susie Heikes Lovvorn
6/2/2016 08:39:31 am

Barb I know the feeling of watching your strong hold- your daddy deteriorate. Its the worst.Just want you to know my dad had faith in you and Joe to be great stewarts of his land and you have proven he was right. This spot is only another challenge for you to overcome to prove your strength. Praying all will go well for you

Reply
Dawn Caldwell
6/2/2016 08:47:50 am

Well, my fellow lover of the life cattle bring us...first for my serious note: I will by praying for you and your family.

Now, on the lighter side - the little bastard was gone, but has apparently reared it's ugly head, or something, again. (Did you catch that little bit of Trump in that comment? LOL!) There must be an equally fitting name for this "spot." I propose that while we are together in Denver, one of our most productive times together might be to brainstorm this very topic. Probably with adult beverages, as that tends to bring out one's most creative attributes! I truly admire you and your willingness to share your journey - for someone out there, it is helping them prepare for whatever they may have to endure. Fight on my friend, and in the meantime, enjoy those runs! This time of year is the prettiest!

Reply
Kim Viker
6/2/2016 08:52:13 am

Thinking positively for you Barb!!!! You have the Right attitude, the Right Doctors and the Right Support System. Thank-you for taking all of us on your journey; we will all get through this together!!!! Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs!!!!

Reply
Joan Nikkel
6/2/2016 09:34:36 am

Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Connie Miller
6/2/2016 11:06:03 am

Blessings and strength be with you. And RUN, Barb, RUN!

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Diane Johnson
6/2/2016 11:59:56 am

You've made it through so much with extreme strength and this will be merely a bump in the road and a chance for you to keep entertaining us with your incredible sense of humor in your writing skills. You are stronger than that spot. God bless you - will continue to pray.

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Jo Beth Rood
6/2/2016 12:02:10 pm

Not too long ago I was thinking to myself "I wonder how Barb is doing?" Guessing and thankful for you that no news is good news. I am sorry to hear about this. I can really relate to what you said about your dad. Glad you didn't delete it. I know his strength lives on in you though. I will be praying for you! Thankful you are seeing some of the best doctors around! My mom had lupus for 25 years and then died of colon cancer. People still comment to me about her positive attitude, so keep yours up! It does make a difference! Thanks for letting the troops know about this so we can rally!
<3 Jo B.

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Shannan Seely
6/2/2016 12:10:17 pm

Also praying for many distractions this summer. Keep going, Barb. It's little and it will be obliterated in due time. Think about what you've already been through ... and overcome. With all the friendly support I can muster, I say ... keep going ... you can handle this!!!!!

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Letty
6/2/2016 12:49:32 pm

Sorry to hear this news. I'll be praying for a good report in August - and for peace in the meantime. Keep on living life to the fullest with Joe and your girls!

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DebbieLB
6/2/2016 01:31:47 pm

Well crap. I know you can do this....tame ol' Spot...but damn, I'm sorry you have to. But as Mary Jackson said above, this is why you have to keep going back to see those amazing people at MDA. Keep an eye out for Spot and when he appears, eradicate him!! So hang in there and know that we are all here for you. You kicked TLB's ass and now it is Spot's turn. Have fun in Italy with the family and come home rejuvenated and ready to get back to work. I love you, Buddy! But I don't love Spot.

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Bill Miller
6/2/2016 03:35:03 pm

Barb, I'm with a high school classmate who is fighting her own TLB. I just told her about you as inspiration. You continue to positively impact people beyond your imagination! Now go kick TLBS! Praying for you.

Reply
cindy dehoff
6/2/2016 05:14:03 pm

I'll just say it-
Well SHIT!!!!
I will get u back in my prayers
Your writing is phenomenal as usual
Argh stupid shit!

Reply
Amy
6/2/2016 06:35:12 pm

Hey, how about this for a mantra....covers your lifestyle and a suggestion for a name:

"See Spot. See Spot run. Spot runs fast. $%^& Spot."

Love ya, girlie. We all do. Let us know how we can help keep you rolling.

Reply
Lydia Yon
6/2/2016 08:18:15 pm

Hey Barb! Your friends in SC will be praying for you. Keep breeding all those cows and such- it gives you zero worry time and excellent sleep (-: We know you can whip a spot if that sucker isn't gone already in August.

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Maelyn
6/2/2016 08:22:55 pm

Barb...my condolences on your Father's passing which I did not sit down to extend at that time (ai/et season). I will be praying for you again, girl! Thankful to have reconnected with you. May the Lord hear all of our prayers!

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Lori Senne
6/2/2016 10:24:19 pm

You are your best gauge of your abilities. I say "Run, love, live, and give 'em hell Harry".
❤🍜❤🍜❤🍜

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Steph Cox
6/2/2016 10:26:32 pm

Holy shit.
Defy on. You're very good at defying.

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Sharon Lindell
6/2/2016 10:47:51 pm

Thank you for being transparent with us all, Barb, and letting us walk through this with you - and I hope you know that we ARE walking through this with you. It is truly an honor and inspiration to see your faith and your doubts. We'll keep praying for healing for you and PEACE beyond ALL understanding for you and your mom and Joe and the girls and all the people who love you so much!

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Laura Downey
6/3/2016 08:01:36 am

Dammit! And several other choice swear words that I'll keep offline. I know that this news is not what you were hoping for and I can only imagine how dad's passing weaves into all the emotions you're feeling and not feeling right now. It shook me also to watch our incredible strong and powerful father brought so low by cancer. It didn't seem possible that someone who took up all the space in the room with his powerful presence could be taken down. But I'm reassured by the amazing Dr RB watching over you and the strength I know you inherited from Dad. He's watching over you and protecting you still and you've got an amazing family and friends who will be there for you lean on when you need it. In the meantime, carry on with your bad ass self and know that I love you.

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Buzzard
6/3/2016 09:15:57 am

Deliciously defiant. I would say that describes you to a tee. So sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I will be praying for continued strength and resilience for you and your family, often and vigilantly.

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Lisa Rennie Richard
6/3/2016 12:29:23 pm

There are so many layers to the gift you give us all by sharing your journey the way you do. Your honesty and bravery and openness and humor are all part of that. Thinking of you and praying for you every step of the way.

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David Day
6/5/2016 08:26:04 pm

Barb - keep running. in every sense. Love, David.

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Jaclyn
6/6/2016 06:24:56 am

Dang it! (Not really what I wanted to say). Hang in there Barb, when it rains it pours, yet the good ones rise to the top, and you are a good one! I'll say a couple prayers, and see you in Denver!

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Magdalana
6/10/2016 11:32:05 pm

Barb,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear dad. You and your entire family have been in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure that the courage and strength you demonstrated during your cancer helped your father have hope and strength as he fought his fight for life. I can imagine the sadness and fear that you are experiencing and will pray that God will help you get through this. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do for you or your family. Hugs.

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Scott Carter
8/4/2016 06:15:40 am

Barb, we're thinking of you. I so admire your writing, your wit, your candor. We're thinking of you.

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    Barb Downey

    On Dec. 5, 2014, I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. And that's where we start. If you're here for the first time, you'll have to read from the bottom (no pun intended!) up. Go to Dec 2014 and scroll to the bottom of the page...

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Downey Ranch, Inc.
Joe Carpenter & Barb Downey
37929 Wabaunsee Rd.
Wamego, KS  66547

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