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A temper tantrum and one more run.

9/15/2016

 
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You've been warned. There's swearing and some heavier subject matter.
All of Round 1 dealing with The Little Bastard felt like a mission. First, let's gather some intel. Now, we'll go find the big guns (MD Anderson) and draw up our battle plans. Radiation and chemo? Done. Excellent. Now let's do the surgery, which was my favorite part. If felt GOOD to go in and get The Little Bastard. Ha! Take that, you son of a bitch. Then the follow up chemo. I called that "mopping up." Let the chemo roam all over the body looking for it's victim(s). Hello, little cancer cells. You look like you're a long way from home. How about I buy you a drink? Bottoms up! (Ooh, no pun intended, but that was an inadvertent good one!) Finally, I moved into just monitoring the situation every 6 months. Mission accomplished! Ah, the new normal.

Just like George W. Bush, I hung my "Mission Accomplished!" banner too soon, and alas, 6 months after finishing chemo, Spot showed up. My new normal came to a screeching halt. To be honest, I was expecting this all along. Just maybe not quite this soon. If you go back and read "The Good, Bad, and the Ugly," you'll see that I tried to communicate that the pathology wasn't very encouraging. The report said TLB had wanderlust. And indeed, he wandered. So here we are; Round 2. Shit.

For Round 2, I have much the same attitude that you saw in Round 1. I still feel good. I'm still running. I still don't look like there's a damn thing wrong with me. And as I've assured you all before, I'm still not given to worrying much, thank God. Literally. But there's something different this time; an undercurrent. I feel like I'm going on just like before, but just out of view, and only audible if it's completely quiet, is this:
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But I don't wanna!!!
Part of me will go very willingly into the OR tomorrow morning, but part of me will be kicking and screaming on the floor of my brain and having a class A temper tantrum. I don't want to do this. I don't want them to crack my chest wide open, I don't want them to whack at my lungs. I don't want my husband to be worried, our daughters to wonder what this means, my family and friends to be pulling double duty and all parties trying desperately to keep it all together. I don't want to be facing cancer again! God damn it. I. Don't. Wanna.

There. I said it.

 This sucks, God. I'm mad as hell. I'm mad that I was motoring along, minding my own damn business and it all came to a screeching halt just because I felt a little constipated one day. I'm mad I had no other warning signs. I'm mad I spent a good portion of my life morbidly obese and that's when the seeds of this were most likely sown. I'm mad I lived 50 years not appreciating I had it so %&*#$ good. I'm mad that when I finally felt like I was getting my life together, it all fell apart. And on top of that God? I'm scared. The little girl in my brain having that temper tantrum is really scared.

So, I took my pre-surgery tests today. Good news there. I have great lungs, so I hope to have enough left to run again when this is all over. After I was done with the lung check, anesthesiology, an EKG, and some blood-work, I walked by the little chapel in the hospital. I go every time I'm at MD Anderson. So, I went in, kneeled down, and talked to God a little while, then I exchanged a "Peace be with you" with a fellow Catholic kneeling in another pew and was heading for the exit. That's when the automatic doors opened and an entire team of nurses and assistants rolled in with a man in a bed, attached to more IVs & machines than I've ever seen mobile before. One of the machines helped him breathe if he initiated a breath. That HE had to initiate it first was obvious by the irregularity of his very audible, ragged breaths. Following all of this commotion into the room was the man's wife, in heart-breaking distress. At this point, I was still in the room and felt like I couldn't, nor shouldn't, walk out. I couldn't walk out on my fellow patient, obviously so very close to death. I couldn't walk out on my fellow supplicant with whom I'd shared the wish of peace. I couldn't walk out on the team that had dropped everything to bring this dying man and his wife to a place that wasn't a hospital room. And I couldn't walk out on the wife, who was with her husband and his team, yet was also so fundamentally alone. So I stayed. And we all cried.

Afterwards, I went back to my room. After a bit, I changed into my running clothes and went for a run. I learned long ago to switch from saying "I have to go for a run." to "I GET to go for a run." To be able to run is a privilege not to be taken lightly. And today, I didn't take it lightly at all. What a blessing. Despite everything, I am so blessed to be able to lace on a pair of shoes and RUN. There are so many for whom this is impossible. And like always, running triggered the reset switch in my brain. And instead of being mad at God, I am back to being grateful to God. I am at the best place in the world, under the care of an amazingly skilled team, with incredible health in spite of my cancer, with my husband and Mom on their way to Houston to be with me. At home, I have an incredible network of family and friends taking care of each other and all that needs to be done, all the while praying their hearts out for me. It is all humbling and awe-inspiring. And it makes me cry in the very best way. So, the tantrum has subsided and been replaced by a much better feeling of love and peace.

I'll see you soon. And in keeping with the theme of today, Peace be with you, my dearest family and friends. Peace be with you.
Joe LaBarbera
9/15/2016 11:21:36 pm

Barb, Wow, just wow. Honest words about not just what you are going to be facing tomorrow morning, but about life. We take so much for granted and then wham!...a little constipation leads to witnessing a man and his wife, and their medical team turning to the only place that really matters after all...the one place in all of MDA where silence is golden and calm is found. I also stopped there each time I was there and appreciated that the pews were always stocked with a full box of tissues.
May the grace you found in that simple place of peace be with you, Joe, Mom, your daughters and your medical team tomorrow.

Lucretia franetovich
9/16/2016 07:38:03 am

Barb I am so grateful for nebraska and angus nationals the most beautiful friendships were made. Im so thankful for my social butterfly that talked to u guys and allowed us to meet. We did not meet by chance there was a reason. Today the reason is Clear. I needed to hear your words they are so powerful. Thank you for sharing your heart. I now i realize that you need me to pray for you. You can never have to many prayer warriors on your side and its an honor to pray for you. Im thankful for md Anderson but more than anything im thankful that God is the healer and hes better than any dr in Town. I admite your strength and courage. Mucho love from your Oklahoma family.
Love you barb

DebbieLB
9/16/2016 07:58:17 am

Wow! You have such a gift for expressing yourself. None of what you said is a surprise to me. I have been feeling it myself for the past 3 months while we waited to see what Spot was going to do. But to have you put it into words has made it so powerful!

I have just reread the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and in it the author says he believes it is not God who chooses who gets cancer and who doesn't; who dies and who receives an organ transplant; who suffers and who rejoices. But God is there through it all, helping to bear your personal burdens. I know He is in the operating room with you now and is holding you. I know He will be there as you recuperate from a surgery I wish you never needed. He will be with us all as we support and encourage you along the way. He is with Anna and Laura Cate right now, giving them comfort from their fears and worries.

Your feelings are all valid and worthy. And I am so sorry this is your "normal" now. It does suck. But we are here with you and want to help. I love you and so do so many people. And Normal will get better. Hang in there.

Shannan Flach
9/16/2016 08:04:28 am

Barb, what a beautiful and heartfelt blog. You have taught so many, especially me, the meaning of what is really important in our lives. I read a quote today that reminded me of you. "I learned that I can't do anything about the length of my life, but I can do something about the width and depth of my life". You are an amazing woman. God bless and keep fighting!

Pam Greg McCurry
9/16/2016 08:44:20 am

Nobody puts pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, like Barb! Can't wait to read the book when you whip this.
Give em Hell Barb Downey!!!

Jo Beth Rood
9/16/2016 09:09:01 am

WOW!! I can relate to how you feel and it is wonderful to hear how you honestly feel. I am glad you GOT to go for a run. When I had my heart problems, I longed just to be able to have the strength to take care of my family. It is a humbling experience. How beautiful and not surprising of you to stay along with this other family in distress. You totally "get it". Thank the Lord for your highly skilled team, your family and all those back home helping to keep your "day job" going. Praying fervently for the "spot be gone" treatment to move that booger along out of your body! Much love to you and your family!

Janet Bailey
9/16/2016 10:07:20 am

Barb,
Beautiful. A rainbow of emotions and a candid glimpse into the wonderful, empathetic, strong heart God gave you. Since you pasted your update months ago that spot was under watch, I have prayed for resolution. You have a great team. You hve been a giver. Please also know we are here to give. You give God the glory and may you find His peace and comfort. You are precious! Much love, Janet

Nicky Tiffany
9/16/2016 10:20:32 am

I was just sitting in a parking lot with 5 kids who are bouncing off the windows of the car praying God would grant me peace for the moment... and then I read your post. The peace which passes all understanding- and temper tantrums from all ages- is truly His greatest gift. He knows our hearts, our fears and understands exactly what we need. Thanks for sharing, Barb, and know that we stand together with you in prayer! Love to you & yours, Nicky

Wendy
9/16/2016 10:32:54 am

Barb I have not met you but have followed your journey. You have such great faith and strength and wisdom. God is using you to reach out to those who need your faith and encouragement. You've got this. You are an inspiration. You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Becky
9/16/2016 05:27:05 pm

Praying! Stay bullheaded.You are going to win!

Sara
9/16/2016 09:42:45 pm

Prayers for you Barb. I know this struggle all too well. I've seen it, I've walked a long side it, and now I'm living it - only I'm choosing another way. Let me know if you ever want to talk. We can't cut, burn and poison cancer away. Cancer showed up for a reason - it's our job to figure out why, and reverse it. Best wishes to you and prayers for a complete healing and restoration to true health. In Him, you are already healed.

Craig
9/17/2016 01:43:21 am

How'd you get all that gear outside? Must be a smooth talker.

Galen
9/17/2016 07:27:26 am

Barb,
From one cancer survivor to another...you are going to pull through this in no time! Keep the faith and we will keep praying with you!!!
Galen

Magdalana
9/24/2016 03:10:01 am

Barb,
I'm praying so hard for you that your recovery will be complete and as painless as possible. Having your faith, family, and friends is such a blessing during such stressful times. I'm so glad that Joe and Sherry were able to be with you. They along with Anna and Laura Cate are in my daily prayers. I am so grateful for our strong faith to see us through each of our daily fears and challenges. Thank you for sharing your frightening journey. I've always known that you are a beautiful person but now I know what an incredibly strong an intelligent woman you are. You are an inspiration! God has blessed you in so many ways. Keep your faith and I know that you will get past this.
Much love,
Magdalana

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5/2/2025 10:38:06 am

The author’s initial anger at the turn of events in their life turns into gratitude after a hospital encounter and a run, showing the power of perspective shift.

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5/2/2025 10:38:47 am

Despite being initially mad at God due to health issues, the author finds peace and gratitude through a hospital experience and the privilege of running.

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5/2/2025 10:39:32 am

A hospital scene with a dying man and a run prompt the author to transform from being angry at God to feeling deeply grateful for the blessings in their life.

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5/2/2025 10:40:11 am

The author’s emotional journey from frustration and fear to gratitude is triggered by witnessing a patient’s plight in the hospital and going for a run.

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5/2/2025 10:40:52 am

After a wave of anger and despair, the author’s outlook changes to one of thankfulness after an encounter in the hospital chapel and a run.

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5/2/2025 10:41:30 am

An encounter with a dying patient in the hospital and a run help the author move from being mad at God to being appreciative of the many blessings in their life.


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    Barb Downey

    On Dec. 5, 2014, I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. And that's where we start. If you're here for the first time, you'll have to read from the bottom (no pun intended!) up. Go to Dec 2014 and scroll to the bottom of the page...

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Downey Ranch, Inc.
Joe Carpenter & Barb Downey
37929 Wabaunsee Rd.
Wamego, KS  66547

(785) 456-8160 - Ranch
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